Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”

As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.

[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those

Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?

Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.

Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.

Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*

Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*

I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.

My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch

2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |

[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body

(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*

I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.

My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo

*at interview*

Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions

People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.

you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time

Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.

Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.

You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.

Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.

They need a Spotify Wrapped but for biscuit consumption.

“You ate 1,825 custard creams this year! 🙌 That’s in the top 0.05% of custard cream eaters 👍🥳”

63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe

me: what makes you angry

pirate: when someone steals my p

Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that

When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend

Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”

Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”

“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –

Obicron Kenobi

Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”