I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
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A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.