Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him You’re the reason I’m up at night

Me: Awww

Him: Please stop calling me at 2am

Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY

Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!

12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?

spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is

It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”

If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.

Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit

Horrifying, yet familiar

didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off

Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.

We’re not going to try to do anything about it.

And that’s how small problems become large problems.

CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?

CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!

CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!

my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.

Teacher: define “impossible”

Me: no can do

Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?

Me: doubt it

Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?

Me: I have no idea

Teacher: amazing

Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no

can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.

Me: what big eyes you have!

Me: what big nose you have!

Me: what big teeth you have!

Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?

One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish

Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”

I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore

long lost

If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.

me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream

wife: what did he say?

me: he kept laughing at me

*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*

Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?

Boy: January 1?

Girl: Valentine’s Day?

Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.

For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.

The Jaws theme stays on during sex.

My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.

My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January

I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.

That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.