I fixed it. For me
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If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
oh my gosh!!
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.