“I FIXED IT!”
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Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.