I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
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At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
You can get poptarts but you can’t get momtarts because of the pastryarchy.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.