Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.

Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”

Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.

Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?

Me: It depends on how they were raised…

me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]

guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy

Bedtime:

Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back

The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.

I will hear no other opinions on this matter.

[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]

Me: hold on I gotta take this

The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?

Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.

[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]

Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.

Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.

I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.

I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.

I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday

Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭

[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died

What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?

My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.

Them: your pets are spoiled

Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide

them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible

me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds

realtor: that just means it’s settling

my fiancee: *creaky sounds*

Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.

Date: Uhh seriously?

Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too

*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*

him: *on one knee*

me: you disrespectful piece of–

🥲

Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.

Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*

Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*

i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020

My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.