I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
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You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Hero horse inspires millions
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
If only
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Oh, I bet you would be
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Everything reminds me of my ex
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.