I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
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Happy weekend !
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Mapping America’s Far Right
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
My next door neighbor just stole my gate and I want to confront him about it…
But I’m worried he might take a fence.
#Jokes
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf