I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
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“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Jeans are once again asking too much of me.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
I stopped at Culver’s and got cheese curds. I felt so guilty, I really should’ve gotten some onion rings too.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely