I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
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Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
My favorite female superhero
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.