I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
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Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.
(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)
(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)
(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Now colored!
