I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
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Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin