Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.

I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.

I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?

Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.

Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?

I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.

It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.

Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!

my professor scared me for a second

“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”

Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.

Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.

Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.

Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is

5: how many numbers do you love me?

Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much

5: aw I love you 24

crow 1: wanna hang out?

undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder

I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.

Overall productive day..

*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist

At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”

The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.

*pets your eyebrows*

there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok

In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.

me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin

If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.

WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.

ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.

HER: I hate you.

them: I like that filter on you

me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks

[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?

[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH

Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “

The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost