I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
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me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
My Plans 2020
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These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
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I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ
It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.