I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
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Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye
Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
These work great until they don’t.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy