I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
You Might Also Like
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.