Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.

Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?

It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”

I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.

Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*

Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.

Came out pretty well.

That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.

If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.

Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store

Price: $7.04

“No way”

Price: $6.94

“Now we’re talking”

My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.

Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.

Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)

If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.

Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.

[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!

W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox

“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet

God: you can sting people more than once.

Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.

God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.

Bee: what’s up?

God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.

Wasp:

Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.

Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening

“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”

-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken

Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.

Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb

Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.

[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet

[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still

Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.

“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*

seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together