Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*

AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses

ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something

There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.

[my gf actually turns into a worm]

me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you

my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people

So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.

It’s also raisin free.

And cake free.

OK it’s just rum

If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.

me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain

If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone

What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.

My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.

Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”

Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”

I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.

Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.

According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.

If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.

My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes

a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you

the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.

Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !

Good parenting 101

A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂

The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.

Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.

The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted

[watching the news]

God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this

angel: you did sir

In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.

Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.

Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children

Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids

this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket

My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.

The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff

That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee

* shows up with flowers

Wife: Are we going to the hospital?