I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
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Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Birds & Planes.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
more water
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together
Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?
Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
ACED my prostate exam!
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get