I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
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Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕