I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
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Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that