Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow

I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?

When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.

But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?

How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know

I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.

Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778

When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?

my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo

Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.

Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?

Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?

Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?

ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.

[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”

People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:

Samwise’s Lord of the Wings

Tyler Durden’s Chowder House

Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)

Short Round’s Tempura of Doom

Hannibal’s

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room

[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.

Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”

Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week

Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*

We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-

“Please stop narrating everything.”

My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.

Strangers have the best candy.

If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing

My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”

How loud can you talk?

-Alcohol

Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.

Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes