I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.

I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.

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If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..


I want to congratulate you on learning the definition of abundance.

“Thank you. It means a lot.”


People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.


me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are


I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.


Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.

Me: So you go back to the office for work.

Husband: And?

Me: And?


*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”

*never speaks to you again *