I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
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a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Great acting.. 😂
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.