I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
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I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.