I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
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me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.