Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.

Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us

Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?

What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans

If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit

The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.

PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?

*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*

I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.

Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.

Me: You’re going to prison?

My French accountant: Oui

Me: WE are going to prison?

Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.

If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.

Waiter: And how would you like your steak?

Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?

How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant

Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.

[firing torpedo from submarine]

torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else

A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars

In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space

and they’ll shift gears to go faster.

in space.

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

Good morning.

for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago

I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.

After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.

funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one

*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?

*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.

“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”

Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.

Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)

Me: Go to bed

5-year-old: One more question

Me: Fine

5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?

Me

5:

Me: Get some coffee

6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”

#mumlife

My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school

My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?