I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
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[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”