Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You had one job 🤦🏻‍♀️

You two just need to get out more.

– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice

Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta

That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.

Sup?

I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.

JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-

ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor

LAWYERS: …….

JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you

[the inventor of corn chips]

What if knives were delicious?

Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?

[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that

I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done

saving face 👀

NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED

ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh

Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time

Artist while drawing:

Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”

I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.

[first day as undercover cop]

me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines

mobster:

20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists

30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn

40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people

Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.

chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord

me: I just want some nuggets man

cfa employee: I Would Die For You

married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me

OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway

ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes

LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no

9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal

*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*

You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.

Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?

*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.

You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.

*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*

**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**

Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.