Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.

broke down and did it

Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”

Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”

*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*

[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”

Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.

Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me

When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁

A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees

I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.

6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?

Me: Only if you want food and shelter.

6: *carefully considers her options*

“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.

0/10 stars, would not recommend.”

– Super Mario Bros. Online review

Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent

M: *sweating*

Some Guy: You look hot.

M: *sweaty blushing* thank you

*waits to answer so he misses me*

(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough

Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.

no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them

Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical

(NASA)

HQ: Good launch everyone.

Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?

NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.

Me: I’m terrible at fractions

Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day

No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*

*instantly make it worse

I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago

“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified

Him:

I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning

*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*

Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry

This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen

SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.

Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this

Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?