I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
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Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.