I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
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Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
no one:
my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Not many talk about it anymore, ever since they dropped the sport as “not Olympic enough,” “undignified and stupid,” and “Who the hell let him in here again?” but I was proud to represent the US at the ’56 Winter Games in Men’s Pillow-Fighting.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Her: I bet he’s thinking about other women
Him: If you drink a lot of beer, you get a beer gut. If you smoke a lot of weed, you get a pot belly. Haha I’m hilarious
😆this is so true
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?