I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
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When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
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At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
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I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.