Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard

Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth

-911 what’s your emergency?

-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.

Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school

A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.

my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime

I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.

all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period

[12 hours without eating]

Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry

My first son he is wonderful

Me: *taking a family photograph*

Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?

If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless

I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.

After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.

I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.

me: *using chocolate coins as currency*

clerk: those are not legal tender

me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth

Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.

Architect: so for the bathroom-

Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable

Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap

I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.

Husband: “Lost my keys again.”

Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”

Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”

if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.

CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh

Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me

Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.

I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.

I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”