I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
So sorry
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
