I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Doordasher handed me my food and said, enjoy the meal..
I said, you too..
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
