Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind

dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom

Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.

In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.

Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.

My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair

[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]

scooby: RIVORCE???

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about

Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.

The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.

Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.

Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.

Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?

Me: I’m sorry, move what?

Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?

I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not

Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.

In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers

[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten

[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating

[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop

I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.

Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.

there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture

TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!

Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.

A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!

Saying “3 twins” is wild.

date: are you looking for love?

me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels

Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.

Seven wives and no alcohol?

No thanks Mormons.

If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.

But nope, it was just me getting ready.

Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.