I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
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i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
These apps are getting out of control.
There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
It was worth a shot 😂
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11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?