Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.

[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much

[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see

Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh

Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?

*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*

Rattle snake

Enter password:

“ScoobyDoo”

sorry password must contain a special character

ScoobydooFeaturingBatman

If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.

I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo

I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.

I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?

He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”

I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.

I came.

I saw.

I lost a banana.

Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no

They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong

Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.

Me: What are you doing?

Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!

Me:

Son: Hello fellow olds!

My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?

Me: Yes.

LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!

DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia

When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.

wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you

[Putting on a fitted sheet]

Me: Dammit this is the short side.

Me: This is somehow also the short side.

After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.

The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there

“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”

You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.

I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets

[in Starbucks]

“It’s Ian with one i”.

“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.

I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.

Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.