I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
You Might Also Like
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Me: The 100th day of school is coming up so you have to dress like you’re 100.
Daughter: Ok. Do you mind if I borrow something?
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas