Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk

Poltergeist: throws dishes

I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.

Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back

I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee

Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!

Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.

How long do you have to wait between naps?

Did a trash talking tree write this?

I just like to keep my options open

-me, setting six alarms on my phone

Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done

I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?

A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”

I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”

PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.

People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.

On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.

Although. I kinda want to now.

Doctors always givin me ibuprofen, b**ch give me something I can sell.

My favorite and only semi sane coworker just put in her two week notice this is more traumatic than my divorce

“You can’t just erase people out of your life”

Me:

I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.

Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.

ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut

My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.

Impervious: being an admitted pervert

cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*

This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.

Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.

If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.

“What’s the worst that can happen?”

Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list