I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
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*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
😎 🍻
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Saw Babygirl today and 40 minutes into the movie the old white guy sitting next to me turned to his wife and said, “this is not a Christmas movie,” and they got up and left. That’s the power of cinema, baby.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe
All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Vodka is essentially odorless. That wasn’t what tipped off co-workers.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE