I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
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[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
IT guy: How much Internet do you need?
My folks: 10,000
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
I would move hell over six inches for you
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”