Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.

I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃

Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’

Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees

Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.

me: i need directions please

stranger: you need to go north and –

me: left or right

stranger: it’s a little more complex than that

me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT

For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.

Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”

Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

Batman v Dracula

*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.

Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight

Me: I’ll take one insurance

Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that

Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please

What I said: No

What I meant: No

What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.

me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened

As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”

Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon

Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.

My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.

Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”

Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.

People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.

Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?

“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”

“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”

I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”

My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.

MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.

*swallows pride*

*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*

In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.

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