I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
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A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Worth the read.
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Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Cha-ching is my safe word
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
shut up and take my money
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“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.