Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.

What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket

WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?

ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?

I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work

Erm…

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple

I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR

GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol

ANGEL: What

GOD: Cat snake lmao

With this onion ring, I thee fed

every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car

[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*

My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.

Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.

People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.

How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?

Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology

No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.

Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.

centipede: *walking by*

Ariel: whoa what’d you trade

Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.

INTERVIEWER: strengths?

ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument

INTERVIEWER: great

ME: which could also be a weakness…

Me: you know what’s sexy?

Mirror: no

Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.

I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.

*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.

It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.

If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.