I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
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*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
When I laugh on my period
Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?