Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.

*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*

It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk

Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.

Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*

“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.

My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.

The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months

She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.

Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?

*holds up 6 fingers* This many

Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called

My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect

Warm pools make me nervous.

*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs

Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.

I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.

My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.

Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO

Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.

I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.

Kids: We’re bored!

Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?

[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”

ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments

My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”

In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.

400 fucking grocery carts to choose from and I always pick the Ford Pinto with a flat tire.

Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”

Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”

She danced her way into his heart.

-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.

My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.

I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman

Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.

For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.