I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
You Might Also Like
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Seems legit.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more