Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.

~ The Disclaimers.

I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.

😳

My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going

Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B

Me: Hell ya I do

A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious

Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’

I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’

I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.

Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.

This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.

Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.

The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.

this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route

i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined

I sexually identify as a hand grenade

me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan

never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement

What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.

*drops acid*

Ok, go.

Stop me if you’ve heard this already.

-said no kid ever

My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along

My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.

Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”

Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…

Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*

“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.

Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.

But it was hollow. And white chocolate.

Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap

Me: sure

Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold

Me: I’m not an idiot

[10 minutes later]

best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score

[at hotel]

Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer

[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]

Me: Yep, nailed her

Guide to making everyone hate you:

Step 1) Turn your hat backwards

I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.

What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?

Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.

*at a shower

Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.

[friend whispers to me]

Sorry. Wedding dress.