I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
You Might Also Like
instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Here’s a meme
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
