I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
You Might Also Like
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.