@anerdonfire2

I forced her to tell me what I was to her

Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored

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@SortaBad

JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever

ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age

@Laser_Cat

Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?

Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*

@thepunningman

[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]

@TuSoonShakur

My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”

But I just call a spayed a spayed.

@Thynebear

Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy

@dumbbeezie

Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch

@BonaFideIntent

Me: LARGE FRY!

McDonald’s Manager: Ma’am, you can’t use the drive-thru riding a stick pony. Please leave NOW

Me: I WILL CUT YOU!

*sirens*

@mommajessiec

Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”

@AndLookPretty

If I fall asleep before you, will you mark the last page I read, set my book aside, and turn out my light?

Husband: Absolutely. But what if I fall asleep before you?

Then just before I fall asleep I’ll wake you up.

Husband: That works.