Nobody expects you to tweet brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
You Might Also Like
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: I’m not convinced
ME: Say it meaner
MU: YOUR MONEY NOW
ME: You weren’t feeling that
MU: Sigh, you’re right
ME: Maybe wave your gun around?
MU: *waves it around* This hurts my wrist
ME: Let’s just forget it
MU: Yeah, sorry man
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.