I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
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I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big