JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
You Might Also Like
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“I HAVE OTHERS”
[just loses it]
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Me: LARGE FRY!
McDonald’s Manager: Ma’am, you can’t use the drive-thru riding a stick pony. Please leave NOW
Me: I WILL CUT YOU!
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
If I fall asleep before you, will you mark the last page I read, set my book aside, and turn out my light?
Husband: Absolutely. But what if I fall asleep before you?
Then just before I fall asleep I’ll wake you up.
Husband: That works.