@anerdonfire2

I forced her to tell me what I was to her

Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored

You Might Also Like

@NatetheEnigma

Nobody expects you to tweet brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.

@Home_Halfway

MUGGER: Give me your money

ME: I’m not convinced

MUGGER: What

ME: Say it meaner

MU: YOUR MONEY NOW

ME: You weren’t feeling that

MU: Sigh, you’re right

ME: Maybe wave your gun around?

MU: *waves it around* This hurts my wrist

ME: Let’s just forget it

MU: Yeah, sorry man

@Shenaniglenns

Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend

Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!

Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what

@wettbutt

uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage

@upsidedowntrash

[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office

@MarkAgee

I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.

@Tmoney68

“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.

@Metalligretch

I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.

@dafloydsta

A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.