I forced her to tell me what I was to her

Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored

You Might Also Like


JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever

ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age


Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?

Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*


[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
[stifles laughter]
[just loses it]


My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”

But I just call a spayed a spayed.


Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy


Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch



McDonald’s Manager: Ma’am, you can’t use the drive-thru riding a stick pony. Please leave NOW




Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”


If I fall asleep before you, will you mark the last page I read, set my book aside, and turn out my light?

Husband: Absolutely. But what if I fall asleep before you?

Then just before I fall asleep I’ll wake you up.

Husband: That works.