I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
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i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
47 years ago today, Soap debuted.
We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.
This scene. 😂😂😂
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.