I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
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You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon