saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
You Might Also Like
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”