I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
You Might Also Like
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Today I gave my friend an apple, but she told me she prefers pears.
So I gave her another apple.#jokeoftheday #funny #jokes
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
If you had more money you’d be happier.
In banana years, I am bread.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me