I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
You Might Also Like
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
Dudes named Chance never had one.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel