I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
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Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?