I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
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If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth