@MK_Shenanigans

I forgot FB was not Twitter & posted something ultra dirty.

Now I have to avoid my granndma, change my hair color & leave the state.

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@thatUPSdude

Let’s remove all the Warning Labels and thin out the herd.

@SteveKoehler22

A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.

They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.

@POOPSCRUFFIN4U

Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it

@AbbieEvansXO

SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide

ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did

@SomeChrisTweets

Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.

@LuvPug

Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives

Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life

@daemonic3

Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.