Let’s remove all the Warning Labels and thin out the herd.
I forgot FB was not Twitter & posted something ultra dirty.
Now I have to avoid my granndma, change my hair color & leave the state.
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Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.
They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.