I forgot how to panic. Help
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5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
To the knife wielding psycho who walked in on me in the shower; I’m sorry you had to see that
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING