Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.

“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.

Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary

Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work

I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.

Not my job 😂

Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.

HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: i can change, Becky

HER:

ME: into a semi truck

Personal question. #JustSaying

Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?

They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’

me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom

my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture

[my kids walk in on me being murdered]

ME: call 911

KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes i see that now

[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]

KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.

Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’

(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!

me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”

If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”

[McDonald’s drive thru]

ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke

HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?

Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.

I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.

Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location

[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon

sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do

This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.

Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten

Anyway, thought of you

4-year-old: Can I have some water?

Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.

4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.

[20 minutes after it stops raining]

ME: *turns off windshield wipers*

dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not