I forgot how to panic. Help
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Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.