I forgot how to panic. Help
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I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Yep.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao