I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
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going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!