I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
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Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Yes 😂
