I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
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Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.