I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.

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I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.


Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.


Watching a movie and loudly saying ‘couldn’t do that now. because of covid’ every ten seconds


*At the pearly gates*
St Peter: Welcome to heaven. I’ll show you around.
Me: Sooo many oysters must’ve died to make this gate.


HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.


[Arriving to cult meeting]

Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?

Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.


Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.


When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.


When my wife is out of town my sleeping position changes from ‘balancing on edge of bed’ to ‘snow angel’