I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.

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The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?


Now that Steve Jobs is gone we’ll never ever know why c**t autocorrects to Cynthia.



Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.


Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”


I just might be the best thing that’s ever happened to you. Providing everything that’s happened to you thus far has been really really bad.


The first person to milk a cow probably saw a baby cow nursing and was like oh yeah people do that too and I have no food I don’t wanna die


My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.

Then I eat them all by myself.

Screw those kids.


They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….