I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
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shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
love it when they get my name right
Before & after 😅
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior