@3sunzzz

I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.

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@noogscorner

The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?

@Paxochka

Now that Steve Jobs is gone we’ll never ever know why c**t autocorrects to Cynthia.

WHO WAS CYNTHIA?!?

@weinerdog4life

Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.

@HatfieldAnne

Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”

@tsm560

I just might be the best thing that’s ever happened to you. Providing everything that’s happened to you thus far has been really really bad.

@fightforfood

The first person to milk a cow probably saw a baby cow nursing and was like oh yeah people do that too and I have no food I don’t wanna die

@OldFolkProblms

My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.

Then I eat them all by myself.

Screw those kids.

@gvicks

They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….