Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.

I like my men well-rounded

and sweet

and rich

and available

and covered in sprinkles

wait a minute…

that’s donuts

I like donuts

The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?

YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”

Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.

For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.

I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.

bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this

*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.

Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.

Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.

being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita

My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are

When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:

1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius

BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool

ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah

Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”

Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it

Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!

[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice

prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i

sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail

prisoner: i can see that but where

sheriff: mississippi

prisoner: ok now that is bad news

On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant

[thrift store]

Me: I’d like one thrift, please

Cashier: sir, we sell used-

Me: money is no object

C: we don’t-

M: I need a thrift

OMG you guys!! I have abs

.

.

.

.

.

.

…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.

BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip

So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider

Me: A storm is coming

My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?

People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop

WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick

ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.

I’m sorry but I strongly disagree

No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.

Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?