i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
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Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”
Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.