I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
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extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that’s not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”